You Know You’re Addicted to Bollywood When… forty signs of filmi illness

1. You read an article about the Oscars or Golden Globes and realize you haven’t seen any of the films (except the Indian entry) and don’t really care about who gets what award.

2. You’re watching TV and the romantic couple embrace at the end and you say, “OMIGOD! He kissed her RIGHT ON THE LIPS!! EEEUUUUWWWW!” and flip over to The Weather Channel out of sheer revulsion.

3. You’ve enabled the closed-captioning on your TV because things just don’t seem right without subtitles.

4. The owner of the local Indian cinema emails you two weeks beforehand to let you know when advance tickets for the opening night of “Kaante” will go on sale. Just like he did for “Road” and “Devdas” and “Shakti” and ….

5. You read an article about a local cancer researcher, Dr. Patel, who looks a lot like Jimmy Shergill. When it gets to the life outside of work part, you discover he’s single. Your very first thought is, “Wow, a Suitable Boy for Parul in Marketing!!!” Extra points awarded if you wonder how to get her parents introduced to his parents. Additional extra points awarded for not considering for a second how Parul and Dr. Patel should meet each other or any of that usual dating stuff. I mean, the parents know best, right?

6. Men: You look at the covers of magazines at the checkstand and start fantasizing about Halle Berry with 20 more pounds on her. Extra points awarded if you mentally rate Calista Flockhart “Two Woofs on the Dog-o-meter”.

7. Women: You look at the covers of magazines at the checkstand and think “pathetic little fancy-lad” when you see Leonardo DiCaprio. Extra points awarded if you wonder what “Friends” would be like with attractive and likeable characters, like the ones in “Dil Vil Pyar Vyar”.

8. Engineers: Half of the women in the office wear salwar kameez and you think nothing of it. Men: Extra points if you don’t flirt with the single one that looks like Kajol in the next cube because, after all, she’s a decent girl…

9. You go on a road trip with some friends in your car. They pull out your CD collection of soundtracks and ask you politely whether you have some other kind of music. Without a pause, you tell them you have some Malkit Singh the Bhangra King in the back of the CD case, right behind the Udit Narayan Greatest Hits Volumes 3 and 4.

10. Daler Mehndi music videos make sense, even Tunak Tunak Tun.

11. You go to a Hindi movie with your 9-year-old daughter, niece, etc. and there’s no subtitles. You explain the plot and some of the dialogue to her as the film goes along, even though you don’t speak Hindi. At the interval, I mean intermission, the Tamil woman behind you complements you on how well you must be speaking Hindi as she wasn’t too sure about some of the plot points and used your “translation” to keep up with the film. True fact: this actually happened to someone I know.

And finally…

12. The owner of the video/grocery store starts asking YOU which films he should carry.

(Special Jewish section:

You recognize family members’ characteristics in some of the supporting players roles. Especially your cousin Sarah, who seems to be a lot of the sisters-in-law. And isn’t it remarkable how Johnny Lever seems just like your Uncle Saul?

You’ve stopped feeling guilty about your cheeseburger containing cheese and starting feeling guilty because it contains cow.)

#1- 12 contributed by Vancelaw

13. The non-BW film ends after an hour and a half and you say,’what? we’re just getting warmed up!’

14. You rent four DVDs and the indian woman behind the counter says, ‘so i’ll see you the day after tomorrow, then?’

15. You do the little head-bobble when you get excited

16. You drop your cable subscription

17. You decide 4 a.m. is a perfectly acceptable time to go to bed on a Tuesday.

18. You keep saying ‘hah’ instead of ‘yes’

19. You realize you can sing along to certain songs, phonetically, without actually knowing hindi — and you try to sing both the man and woman’s parts in different voices. And then you realize the person in the car next to you is staring.

20. You spend way too much time wondering whether Aamir wears lifts.

21. Leonardo who?

#13 – 21 contributed by Kaya

22. When you are in the store and say to the owner, “I have the original Tamil DVD of this movie, if you’d like to borrow it.”

23. The store owner says, “You watch more Hindi films than I do…is this a good movie?”

#22 – 23 contributed by Donna

24. While sitting on the bus telling a non-Indian friend about the Hindi movies you own, the row of desis sitting behind you ask if they can rent from you (true story).

25. You think that Harrison Ford would be a really decent actor if he learned to dance.

#24 – 25 contributed by bigbadem

26. Your favourite earrings are a pair of big silver hoops, and you wear your longish hair in a middle parting (who knows if a hero might inadvertently want to adorn you with sindoor, right?).

27. You come home from a party at 2am and watch KKHH.

28. Your local grocer starts chatting to you in Hindi.

29. A friend tells you they saw the two towers last night and you have no idea what they’re talking about.

30. You go to Green Street, East Ham (vibrant Pakistani + Bengali part of east London) and catch yourself eyeing the young mens’ noses, comparing them for loveliness against the standard of Shah Rukh’s.

31. You sing to your cats in Hindi.

32. A friend (english) drops by and says ‘isn’t your taste moving in a kitsch direction’.

33. A friend (punjabi) drops by and says ‘my mum would really like your drapes / sofa throw / shower curtain’.

#26 – 33 contributed by Jo

34. When you listen to your favorite soundtrack, and know where each song was sung in the film.

35. When you find it refreshing to watch a movie in English.

36. When you tell your friends your dream guy is like the main character in “Itihaas History of Love.”

37. When you try to fit nine to twelve hours of movie time into one day.

# 34 – 37 contributed by Mai-Kim

38. You can genuinely no longer understand why anyone would protest that the female singers’ voices are too “squeaky.”

39. You start to find wisecracks about the sudden costume- and location-changes in the dance numbers not only irritating, but downright juvenile.

40. You begin to believe that if Shahrukh sang, he really would sound like Udit Narayan.

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